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"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     MAY 2004


GHM Reporter in dangerous undercover mission

It has come to our attention that there's a Yahoo group for giraffe lovers, blatantly called giraffelovers, with over 100 sick members.

Membership is by invitation only, so we've applied, using the cunning email address iluvgiraffes5 (yep, there's 4 weirdos out there somewhere) and the equally cunning yahoo ID of  IluvLuvvlyGiraffes.

Hopefully  we'll soon be members, then we can post some messages and attempt some re-education of these feeble minded people. So don't miss the next issue of the crusading GHM, where you can read all about our exploits in the murky world of these giraffe loving perverts.



Attempt to impress your friends with these true facts about giraffes

If giraffes were smart enough to also eat the bottom leaves of trees instead of just the top, Africa would be completely deforested in 83 seconds.

A giraffe's IQ is 0.001 and spider's IQ is 0.0011. Exceptionally clever giraffes can make webs, but they fall off and break their necks before they get around to wondering what to do with the flies.

If giraffes reproduced as fast as rabbits, by the time you'd read this 446,132 times there would be enough giraffes to populate every capital city in the civilised world. And Paris.

First read this book extract, extracted from a book about rare languages.

This month's car review


We like the one on the left best. It's got a better CD player. And wheels.

Then, thus inspired, simply invent a new verb to describe the feeling of being stalked, on a dark street, by a giraffe. If we get any entries, we'll send the one we like best an email, containing the text "you have won" .


  Last month's crossword

The answer was, of course, gorilla





"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     APRIL 2003


Nothing has happened this month that could possibly be blamed on a giraffe. So instead, have a go at the giant GHM crossword.







1. 7th letter of the alphabet (unless you're Chinese, Japanese, a Cyrillic user, etc. In which case just write a G) 


1. Large scary animal









"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     FEBRUARY 2004

We're still here


Even though we hardly ever bother to update anything, we've managed to find, beg, and extort thirty pounds in loose change (for non-British readers, at current rates that's about 47 Euros, or around 400 US Dollars) so that we can renew for another two years. That means there could be at least three more editions of Giraffe Hater's Monthly. Unfortunately, due to cost cutting, we've had to sack the reporting staff, so there's nothing to report this month.






"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     AUGUST 2003



Another true story copied from a proper reporter

From the Animal News Center


And spotted by Mr Gus Bridges - see "Visitors Comments"

"A 12-foot tall giraffe, known by the name of Betsy, died last Monday after being struck by lightning from a severe, sudden storm that swept across the Kilimanjaro Safari attraction at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida.

At least three attraction trams, carrying at least 90 people, may have witnessed the incident that resulted in the 6-year-old giraffe's death."

Good news eh? This leads us to make two comments.  First, we suggest that everybody writes to their local government representative, demanding that all giraffes are fitted with 100 foot long vertical copper bars. Secondly, there should be more of those "Attraction Trams" so that next time more of us get a chance to witness the happy event.




Woman attacked by big giraffe

A TRUE REPORT, from the tabloid press (but possibly still true)

>>>>> READ THIS !!!!! <<<<<

We've never seen a better reason to have all zoos banned from keeping these thieving aggressive bastards. Write to your local zoo now, and say "Stop keeping those thieving aggressive bastards"







"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     JUNE & JULY 2003

Special Summer Edition

went on vacation - saw no giraffes





"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     MAY 2003

Special "Problem Page" Edition


One or two of our readers have written to us asking why we can't have one of those problem pages, like what you get in crappy newspapers. Well, we're not a crappy newspaper. But we are a crappy online magazine, so here it is.


Aunt Giraffesisbastards (PhG MsG BG) answers the Giraffe Problem of the Month

This month's problem comes from someone called mick, from somewhere in the southern half of england.

Dear Aunty G,

I saw a program on television recently, one of those nature documentaries. (No, that's not the problem). And this presenter said that you are never more than one yard away from a spider. What's got me worrying is, how far away am I from a giraffe? 

Aunty G replies

Interesting point. The obvious answer is that, unless you are an astronaut in a spaceship that has been carefully screened and certified giraffe-free, you are never more that 12000 miles from a giraffe. But in reality things are a lot more dangerous than this. Especially where you live, where (despite several petitions from us here at GHM) the law allows just about anybody to import giraffes, all they have to do is prove that they are the owner of a zoo, and that could be as many as six people. I think it's safest to assume that the same rule applies to spiders and giraffes.

By the way, did this presenter say whether you're always a yard away from any spider, or is it always the same one, and it follows you around. If so, and I'm standing next to someone else, how do I know which is mine? And if I killed it, would I have to share the other person's spider, or would another one be summoned via some weird spider communication network.






"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     APRIL 2003




No Giraffes Found Yet

But just in case they strike lucky, the united states 7th airborne giraffobic division have been issued with these special playing cards so they know what to shoot at. 


UNITED NATIONS giraffe inspector, Hans Giraffesisbastards, said at yesterday's press briefing, "We haven't seen any giraffes yet, but we did find a tree without any leaves on the top". Here at GHM we say that's pretty conclusive evidence, go in and shoot the long legged reticulated bastards.





"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     MARCH 2003

Special "Missing" Collector's Edition

Specially for sad bastard collectors of comic books and stuff like that, this is the rare "missing" edition of GHM





"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     FEBRUARY 2003

Special Anniversary Edition

Yes, it's one year since the first edition of GHM !!!!

So we've all gone to the pub to celebrate, for the whole month. So this month we have a special guest editor - Al Fishisbastards, editor of our sister publication Fish Hater's Monthly. (Not to be confused with the other FHM, the "lifestyle" magazine for baseball-cap-wearing budweiser-drinking retarded kids)
A note from guest editor Al Fishisbastards   Latest products for sad gadget freaks

There I was, freshly woken from another nightmare about herring, sitting in bed in a cold sweat, and staring blankly at my calming giraffe pattern wallpaper, when the phone rang. It was my old mate G Raffesisbastards after a favour; "Edit me paper mate, I'm off to the pub for a month" then he hung up.  

So here I am, s'pose it's a distraction from fish-o-fobia (which may sound like some crap that comes in a plastic container from macdonalds, but is actually a very serious condition).




  New, and unique to FHM GHM
A super sticker, for sticking on things, like doors and cars. Let's face it, giraffes are stupid enough to think it applies to them. Also handy for deterring those weirdo fish-sticker christians. Oh yeah, works on fish too.


No giraffes dead  (or fish)

Oh well. .


      Feeling pissed off about something? Get this exciting "stress relief" game and hurl the razor sharp darts, guaranteed unsafe for kids, at the particularly smug (and not too scary) easily punctured giraffe effigy. Can also be used on real giraffes (and fish)





"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     JANUARY 2003

Special "Load of Bollocks" New Year Issue

Yes, this month's issue is a load of bollocks, just like a real magazine 

It's got celebrity gossip, fashion bollocks, and even a horoscope

Celebrity is wanker   fashion update

(Another true story blatantly copied from somewhere else)

Once voted the world's sexiest man, Richard Gere has a less welcome feather to add to his cap: the Foot in Mouth award. Reuters reports Britain's English Campaign honored Gere with the award for most baffling quote of the year for this, given to the Guardian newspaper in June: "I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe."

  The latest thing on the streets is this sexy tshirt, specially designed for GHM by French fashion gayboy Jean Paul Giraffesisbastards
Get your own, 45 from any GHM outlet - extra fat size only.
GHM's resident astrologer has a go at predicting what the stars have in store for you this year
ARIES (Mar. 21- April 20) You are in deep trouble, over 8 percent of you will die this year. Stay in bed and worry.
TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21) Most giraffes are born under this sign, I hope you all die this year.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21) 0.000000000001% of you will be killed by a giraffe, stay indoors this year.
CANCER (June 22-July 22) 0.000000000000000000001% of you will be killed by a giraffe indoors, stay outside.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22 Most days will be crap, try to stay in the pub.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 -Sept. 23) You may die on 12 February at 11:23 am. Bye.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 -Oct. 23) Avoid everything.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) Avoid something. Sorry, can't be more specific than this.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 -Dec 21) Mercury in Uranus will make you very ill. 
CAPRICORN (Dec 22.- Jan. 19) Same as last year. But you will be older.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 -Feb. 19) If you are editor of GHM, you will have an exceptionally good year. Otherwise, bad luck.
PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20) Remember, the majority of Pisceans are already dead. Possibly your last year.



"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     DECEMBER 2002

Unusually for GHM :- 


(In fact, it's rather boringly copied word for word)

(and if it's still there you can even check at  This story kindly provided by regular GHM reader Mr. Craig Whitney)


Kenya 'rogue' giraffe falls off cliff

The "rogue" giraffe at the top of the list of suspects in the death of an American tourist has fallen off a cliff.

The tourist died on Sunday at the luxurious Aberdare Country Club, north of Nairobi.


" Once a giraffe takes it into its head to do something, that's it" (James Drysdale, Aberdare Country Club)


The suspect giraffe died on Wednesday after resisting an attempt to examine its hooves for bloodstains.

Kenyan police believe the giraffe could have killed James Gregory as he walked in the club's game sanctuary.

The dead man might have approached too close to an animal, forgetting that it was wild, according to the country club manager.

Lions and buffalos were not suspected as they do not live in the sanctuary.

Tranquiliser used

The Kenya Wildlife Service was called in to track down the giraffe and its rangers tranquilised the animal.

But before they could examine its hooves to see if it had kicked the tourist, it got up, staggered off and fell over a cliff, the French news agency AFP says.

The body of 50-year-old Mr Gregory was discovered on Sunday.

He had entered the sanctuary alone about three hours before.

Mr Gregory died from wounds to his forehead and behind one ear, Senior Assistant Police Commissioner Peter Kimanthi told BBC News Online.

Police are treating the death as suspicious but do not think a human being is responsible as Mr Gregory had not been robbed.

His pockets contained both Kenyan and US currency.

The hooves of the dead giraffe have since been examined for any evidence of the attack on Mr Gregory, but the results are not yet known, according to James Drysdale, duty manager of the country club.

He said that in its drugged state the giraffe might not have seen the edge of the cliff.

"You can never get into the mind of a giraffe," he said.

"They are massive animals. Once a giraffe takes it into its head to do something, that is it."

Giraffes can kill

A giraffe is capable of killing a man but attacks are very rare.

They eat leaves or other vegetation and are found in savannah or lightly forested areas of Africa south of the Sahara.

They defend themselves against predators, like lions or hyenas, by kicking out with their large hooves.

Although rare, it is not unheard of for giraffes to attack humans, says Mr Drysdale.

He added that a Kenya Wildlife Service ranger had been killed by a giraffe a few years ago.

Editor's apology

Sorry there have been no issues of GHM from March until now.

But we really don't care, and there may not be another one for months and months, certainly not this year anyway


Editor needs stuff

We're lazy bastards here at GHM, so why not contribute a story and then we might publish  GHM  a bit more often.

Just think, next time you're at a party and someone asks what you do for a living, instead of the usual "Something to do with IT" or "I'm a brain surgeon", you can say "Actually, I'm a writer, maybe you've read some of my stuff". And if they turn out to be giraffobic, then maybe they have and you'll be well in.  So go to the mail page and make up a story, or send it to






















GHM Literary review

  GHM Literary editor, Dr G. Raffesisbastards says,

"Buy it, it's got good stuff in it.  Why not buy twelve, and get twelve times as much good stuff"










"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     MARCH 2002


NIGER - What a result!

From this month's "KAKAKI, News Of Niger"


Environmentalist Omar Ahmed has warned that Niger's and West Africa's remaining giraffes are in danger as areas in which they are protected shrink further and further.  Speaking at a conference in Niamey, Mr Ahmed noted that a recent 4-year project has increased the giraffe population (bad!), but says that unless measures are taken to protect the gains, "the risk of going back to square one or even the extinction of this population is very great."(good!) 

GHM says; So, a couple more years and we can all put Niger on the holiday destination list then.


TV guide - there's no giraffes at all on telly this month, so you can all channel surf in safety.


BIG RIOT THING - Police were called to a mass demonstration outside the offices of the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary yesterday. When asked to comment, a rioter explained to GHM "it's got the word giraffe in it". Well, they've got our support.  I mean, YOUR KIDS or even YOUR MUM could be reading this stuff. We say it's time that this blatant assault on family values was stamped out.

NO FUNDING - The government announced this week that it will not be funding giraffobia research. Dr G Raffesisbastards of the National Giraffobia Research Institute said "There are dangerous precedents for this, Stalin and Pol Pot didn't fund giraffobia research either". Here at GHM we say "What are these fascists playing at, for the sake of world democracy - replace this government now with a system of dialectic-anarcho-socialist-giraffobic-syndicalism, before it's too late"





"It really works!" - A satisfied user

Just squirt this NEW STUFF in the giraffe's face and it runs a mile.  Available from all good pharmacies in 5 and 10 cc squeezy bottles, with 30 foot applicator nozzle.




"The magazine for people what thinks giraffes is scary"     FEB 2002


Special International Issue


The front page of this month's Moscow edition of Giraffobia. The Siberian Giraffe is now officially extinct !!!

We suspect that this may be rather out of date news, but extremely welcome none the less.

And from our Californian Correspondent
So like, I rilly hate giraffes you know?. And my friend, he's like "let's go to the zoo?" and I'm like "no way"? and he's like rilly rilly pissed?, and I'm like "Hello?  that is just so not going to happen" you know? and I'm .....
Editor's apology - Right, enough of that. Either all future submissions are in English or we'll have no more international issues OK.